


Stolen Steps

by aqd



Series: Halloween Countdown 2017 [6]
Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Absence, Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Character Death, Clairvoyance, Divination, Epilepsy, Grief/Mourning, Guilt, Halloween, Heavy Angst, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Long One Shot, M/M, One Shot, Prophetic Visions, Seizures, Visions, absence seizures
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-13
Updated: 2017-10-13
Packaged: 2019-01-16 22:26:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12351795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aqd/pseuds/aqd
Summary: "Maybe it’s a kind of balance. Maybe somebody has to die when a child gets born, somewhere on the world.”





	Stolen Steps

**Author's Note:**

> Part #6 of my halloween countdown.
> 
> trigger warnings: death, injuries, mentions of suicide, miscarriage, epilepsy, seizures

„Daddy!“  
  
A shout from one of the child’s rooms. Froi jumps to his feet and starts to run.  
  
“Daddy! Something is wrong with Yuu!”  
  
Daisya stands in the doorway to Yuu’s room, eyes wide, and points into the room. Froi walks quickly past him.  
  
Marie, his oldest son, lies prone on the floor in front of the bed and tries to reach for something. Froi wants to ask what’s wrong, but then he hears it.  
  
A sound, which can only be described as wailing. Froi’s heart nearly stops. It’s desperate and pained and he drops to his knees.  
  
“What happened?” he asks and looks under the bed. The sight nearly breaks his heart. Yuu, his youngest son, lies curled into a ball under the bed and cries bitterly.  
  
“We were playing and suddenly he started crying,” Marie answers. “Nothing happened.”  
  
“Yuu”, Froi says softly and tries to reach out for him, but the little boy moves out of his reach and as far under the bed as he can. He has never heard his boy crying like this. Yuu is the most stoic of his children. He doesn’t cry often and when he does it’s only a few tears running over his cheeks, but never something like this. “Yuu,” he repeats and tears prickle in his eyes. His wife is the tough one, while Froi bursts into tears nearly always when one of his children is sick or hurt. “Yuu, please. Did you hurt yourself?”  
  
Yuu doesn’t move and he also doesn’t stop crying. Froi crawls half under the bed, but as soon as his hand touches Yuu’s leg, the boy kicks after him and cries out. He draws back and sits up.  
  
“Daisya,” he says and his second son looks with big eyes at him. “Can you please call mommy?” His wife, Yuu’s mother and Daisya’s and Marie’s step mother, has a knack for the boy, while Froi has often a very hard time with his son. Yuu’s a difficult child and Froi’s often incredibly tired, but that doesn’t stop him from loving the boy with all his heart. Daisya nods and stumbles away and Froi looks back under the bed. To his big surprise Yuu returns his look. His cheeks are blotchy and his eyes reddened.  
  
“Mom,” he says with a shaking voice and Froi has no idea what’s going on.  
  
“Yes, mom. She going to come home and everything is going to be alright,” he answers softly and holds out his hand. “Would you please come to me? It has to be uncomfortable down there.” He smiles at him, but Yuu doesn’t return his smile. He never does. Froi wants to add something, but the doorbell rings and he looks at Marie. “I’m back in a minute. Can you stay here with him?”  
  
Marie nods and lies back down. Their father gets up and walks quickly to the door. Marie listens to his steps and Yuu’s breath. “Did you hurt yourself?” he asks and holds his hand out like their father did before. Yuu doesn’t answer, but he takes his hand and Marie can pull him out. He wraps his arms around his little brother, who doesn’t hug back, but leans against his shoulder. He wants to add something, but then their father’s voice resonates and it sounds so strange and pained that it scares Marie, while Yuu stays perfectly silent in his arms.  
  
Their father bursts into tears and now Yuu moves.  
  
“Mommy won’t come home,” is all he says and sounds way too calm. He frees himself from Marie’s hug and he hears him moving back under the bed.  
  
Marie just sits there paralyzed until he hears Daisya’s frantic steps. He opens his arms and his brother falls right into them and cries terribly.  
  
Yuu doesn’t cry anymore.

 

Marie loves his brothers, he really does, but sometimes they drive him nuts. They’re both hotheads and argue about absolutely everything and sometimes it escalates into a screaming match, which normally ends with Yuu winning, even though he’s only twelve and the youngest. Yuu is the angriest child Marie has ever met.  
  
He sits on the couch and Daisya and Yuu stand in the middle of the living room and scream at each other, who’s allowed to use the new gaming console first. Marie knows that Yuu isn’t very much into gaming. He just wants wreak his anger on somebody and Daisya, who’s thrilled because of the new console, is an easy target.  
  
“How about rock-paper-scissors?” he suggests and the cockerels fall silent for a moment. “Who wins uses it the first hour and after that you switch.”  
  
“Yuu’s way too dumb for that,” Daisya says with a mean laugh and Marie jumps up and manages to grab his youngest brother, before the first blow is dealt.  
  
“Let me go!” Yuu hisses, but Marie is way stronger and holds him easily. He doesn’t have to worry about Yuu hitting him, because that’s something that never happens, probably only due to his loss of sight. “Marie!”  
  
“No, I’m not. And Daisya, you’re going to apologize or I promise I talk dad into returning that damn thing,” he says calmly and he hears the soft gasp of his second brother.  
  
“That’s unfair,” he protests, but Marie doesn’t budge. “Yuu doesn’t even like gaming. He just wants to piss me off.”  
  
“Daisya, apologize, please,” Marie asks softly and his brother sighs.  
  
“Okay, Yuu, I’m- ow!” Marie feels Yuu’s movement, but he isn’t fast enough to drag him back. “He kicked me!”  
  
Marie sighs and turns Yuu towards him. His hands stay on his shoulders, because he feels the tension in his younger brother’s body. “Yuu, please don’t do that.”  
  
“Nobody talks to me like that,” he growls and Marie doesn’t have to see him to know that he’s glaring at Daisya. He hears it in his voice. Marie has to talk with their father. This isn’t normal. Yuu’s childhood was tough because of the sudden loss of their mother, but it gets worse and worse with the years.  
  
“Yuu,” he says and presses his shoulders. “I know, you’re angry, but…” Marie falls silent, because it’s happening, again.  
  
“Marie, he does that weird thing again,” Daisya says and steps closer. Marie feels it. Yuu freezes and stands stone-still. Another thing he has to talk with his father about. This keeps happen more and more often, even though it’s every time only a few seconds. He moves his hand and lays it on Yuu’s cheek. He feels the muscles of his jaw working, until it stops.  
  
“Oh no.” Yuu moves, but Marie doesn’t let him go. He’s sometimes disorientated afterwards, even though he never remembers these weird states.  
  
“Yuu, it happened again, are you fine?” he asks, but in the next moment Yuu breaks away from him and he hears his hurried steps. “Yuu!”  
  
“I have to go!” he shouts and then he’s running.  
  
“Daisya, go after him.” His brother starts to run, too, and Marie grabs his cane and takes up the chase.  
  
He lived his whole life in this neighbourhood and barely needs the cane to follow his brothers. Their steps are loud and frantic. Daisya keeps calling for their youngest brother, but Yuu doesn’t stop. He runs and runs and runs and Marie has no idea wherefrom such a skinny boy takes all this energy.  
  
And suddenly they stop, nearly a block away from home. Marie doesn’t run into Daisya only due to his cane. He hears voices, panicked and nervous, and grabs Daisya’s shoulder. “What’s going on?” Daisya gasps for air and stumbles away from him and Marie right after him. “What’s going on?” he repeats, this time louder.  
  
“Dad,” Daisya stammers. “He lies on the street.”  
  
“What?” Marie starts to run and people move out of his way. His cane hits something, _somebody_ and he crouches down.  
  
“It’s not as bad as it looks,” their father whispers and Marie reaches out. He touches their father’s cheek and there’s something warm and sticky on it. The smell of copper reaches his nose and his heart throbs wildly against his ribcage. Yuu moves next to him and his ice cold fingers brush Marie’s arm. “I didn’t look when I crossed the road. It’s my fault,” their father says and then he’s silent.  
  
Other than Yuu. “Why did you stop me?” he shouts at Marie and for the first time his youngest brother hits him.

 

“Yuu, do you want me to prepare a snack for school for you?” Froi stands in the kitchen and has a loaf of bread in his hand. “Yuu?”  
  
“No,” his son answers brusquely. The boy is sixteen and their relationship got even worse since he hit puberty. Froi walks to the hall and throws a look at his son, who slips into his chucks. He wears these jeans Froi dislikes so much. Very worn out and with way too many holes for his taste. And black, of course. Like his shirt and his shoes. Yuu’s a pretty boy and Froi is sure that the girls would adore him, if he would dress a little nicer. And frown less.  
  
“Why don’t you wear the jeans I bought you?” Froi asks and his life would be over, if looks could kill. “I’m sure it would look nice.”  
  
Yuu stares at him and doesn’t deign an answer. He grabs his backpack and Froi sighs. Yuu’s already half out the door, when he suddenly stops. The backpack slips out of his hand and Froi picks it up and stands right next to him and waits.  
  
The seizure lasts only a few second then Yuu’s back and blinks slowly. He has these absences since his early childhood, even though they got the diagnosis only a few years ago.  
  
Froi lays a hand between Yuu’s shoulder blades and examines him. These are the only moments his son allows him to touch him. “How do you feel?” he asks gently and Yuu looks up to him. He’s pale.  
  
“I’m fine,” he answers slowly. Yuu’s always _fine_. He was fine after his mother’s death, after Froi’s road accident a few years ago, after his diagnosis. Yuu’s always fine and it pains Froi that his son is so withdrawn into himself.  
  
“Do you want a glass of water?” he asks, but Yuu shakes his head, before turning around.  
  
“I’m staying home,” he says and slips out of his shoes. He doesn’t ask if he can stay home, he just does, and Froi knows that it’s his fault for not putting his foot down, but Yuu’s mother has been the strict one.  
  
“Can I do something for you?” Froi asks, but his son disappears into his room without another word and he sighs.  
  
He doesn’t see Yuu for the rest of the morning until noon, when the doorbell rings. Froi doesn’t get up, because Yuu’s door flies open and he jumps down the stairs.  
  
Alma waits patiently until Yuu opens and he beams at him. “Hey Yuu!” He throws his arms around him despite Yuu’s grumbling and embraces him tightly. “You old truant.”  
  
“Fuck you, too,” he gets as an answer laced with a soft smack at the back of his head. “Your hair looks terrible.”  
  
“No, it doesn’t. It’s awesome.” Alma beams at him and ruffles through his coloured hair. Violet. He knows that Yuu likes it, but he also knows that he’s a stubborn bastard, who loves to piss him off, never with success. He reaches out and squeezes Yuu’s pretty face in his hands and earns a step on his foot for that. But unfortunately for Yuu he’s wearing his favourite jump boots while Yuu’s only in socks. Black of course. “Let me in. I have your homework.”  
  
“You only want to loot the fridge, fucking parasite,” he gets as an answer and follows him inside. “How was the test?”  
  
Alma frowns. “How do you know?”  
  
“I don’t disclose my sources,” Yuu deadpans and shoos him up the stairs. “Move your fucking ass.”  
  
“Yuu, language,” resonates from the room right next to the kitchen. Froi’s studio. “Hello Alma.”  
  
“Hello Mr. Tiedoll,” Alma answers smiling and laughs, because Yuu rolls his eyes.  
  
“Get your fucking ass up the fucking stairs, fucker,” he growls and Alma can’t stop laughing, because he’s such an edgy little shit. Froi sighs and Alma nearly feels bad for the man.  
  
They go upstairs and disappear into Yuu’s room. Alma flops down on the bed and stretches with relish. “How do you manage to stay so often home when there’s a surprise test?”  
  
“Coincidence,” Yuu answers sternly and sits down on his desk chair.  
  
“Did you have a seizure?” Alma asks and Yuu starts to frown. He hates it with a passion when they talk about his condition, but Alma just wants to know that he’s fine.  
  
“They’re just absences,” he answers sullenly. “I kinda felt dizzy afterwards and since we had only shit like math and PE today, I just stayed home. You said you brought the homework?”  
  
Alma smiles at him and sits up. “Yep, and since I’m such a generous person I already did math for you.” He reaches for his backpack and hands him everything.  
  
Yuu raises his brows and examines him for a moment, before the corners of his mouth slightly twitch. “Thanks. Your hair is kinda okayish.”  
  
“How benevolent you are today,” Alma answers and laughs. Then he examines him closely and he can see in Yuu’s face that he doesn’t like the smirk on his lips. “Lavi was worried and asked me, if you’re okay.”  
  
It takes all his might not to laugh. Yuu presses his lips together and heat creeps up his neck. His frown isn’t really grouchy, but rather a little embarrassed. It’s adorable.  
  
“He also asked me if it’s okay to visit you, since he never did before and he wasn’t sure how sick you are,” Alma speaks on and Yuu stares at him. “Since I know that you’re a fucking truant, I told him to go ahead. I skipped PE and could imagine that he comes around afterwards.” Alma beams at him. “Thank me later.”  
  
“Don’t you fucking dare to fuck with me,” Yuu says surly and scrutinizes him, but Alma’s smile doesn’t flicker.  
  
“I don’t. And, by the way, he blushed a little while asking me that,” he adds and now he really laughs, because Yuu _edgy little goth_ Kanda roses. “Aww.”  
  
Yuu frowns and grabs a pillow. Alma curls up in a ball and laughs while Yuu stands over him and hits him with the pillow. “Aww, that’s so cute.”  
  
“Don’t you dare,” he hisses and then Alma catches his legs and he nearly falls on him. They scramble like they did often as children and Yuu wins, of course he does. Alma ends up in a playfully chokehold and can’t stop laughing.

 

Marie is the first one, after Alma of course, who notices what’s going on. Lavi shows up more and more often and at first he’s just happy that Yuu manages to make a new friend, since Alma is his only one. Lavi is polite and friendly and just good company for his sullen little brother, but after a while he notices the subtle differences.  
  
Yuu’s voice is just a little less cutting, his words a little less sharp, his steps a little less heavy whenever Lavi is around. He even starts to go to school on a regular basis and skips class less often. The awkward silence between the two of them is another sign. And Alma’s hysterical laughter.  
  
Marie is also the one Lavi calls for when he witnesses one of Yuu’s absences for the first time. Yuu is absolutely mortified and refuses to leave the bathroom for nearly half an hour, but Marie somehow manages to calm him down and in the end the two of them go back into Yuu’s room and Marie turns up some music to drown out fond whispers.

 

Lavi’s incredibly nervous the first time he stays overnight. Yuu’s father is absolutely thrilled and prepares so many snacks that Yuu is annoyed, while Lavi feasts like a king.  
  
“Do you want to watch a movie? Or play a board game?” Froi beams at both of them and Lavi tries very hard not to laugh. Yuu notices, of course, and cuts him a look. “You two could also sleep in the living room? Or stay up all night.” The man is so happy and Lavi finds it adorable, in contrast to Yuu, who looks like he wants to kill someone.  
  
“That’s very kind, but we just want to talk a little and go to bed early, because I had a very long day today,” Lavi answers kindly and Yuu makes a little sound, a snort, but barely audible. His father finally leaves them alone and disappears into his studio and they go upstairs.  
  
As soon as the door is locked Lavi is already all over Yuu and together they fall on the bed.  
  
“Go to bed, my ass,” Yuu whispers into his ear and Lavi starts to laugh.  
  
“Hey, that’s better than saying that we planned to make out the whole night,” he replies and Yuu rolls his eyes. His hands crawl under Lavi’s shirt and he laughs even more, because he’s ticklish and a little flustered.  
  
“Wanna sneak out later?” Yuu asks and kisses his neck. Lavi blushes, before he nods.  
  
“Yeah. Where are we going?” Yuu showed him a few of his and Alma’s favourite places and Lavi loves the idea to go there at night. It’s exciting and feels so forbidden. Lavi’s mother is loving but strict and he has always been a good child, while Yuu is a troublemaker.  
  
“The old train station,” Yuu suggests and kisses his collarbone.  
  
“And the fence?” Lavi asks and Yuu raises his head. His dark eyes are glinting.  
  
“I have a bolt cutter under the bed,” he answers and Lavi blushes even more, because Yuu’s bad company and he _loves_ it. Yuu smirks and kisses him and Lavi just wants to melt.  
  
It’s a soft kiss, especially for someone as blunt and stern as Yuu. It goes on and on and Lavi’s heart bounces in his chest, until Yuu suddenly freezes next to him.  
  
Lavi draws back a little and examines him with a frown. Yuu’s eyes go through him and it still makes him uncomfortable, but not as much as the first time. He had run out and got his brother and poor Yuu had been so embarrassed.  
  
Lavi gently rubs his arm, even though Yuu can’t feel it and after a few seconds it’s over. He slowly blinks and rubs his face, before looking at Lavi.  
  
“Are you fine?” he asks gently and Yuu frowns.  
  
“Yes,” he answers. “Don’t look at me like that. I’m fine.”  
  
“Sorry.” Lavi smiles tentatively at him and Yuu’s face softens.  
  
“Let’s stay here tonight and just look what happens, okay?” he asks and heat spreads out in Lavi’s whole body.

 

It goes on like this for nearly a year until Yuu’s father finally gets wind of what’s going on. He’s supportive, but clearly hurt that Yuu didn’t tell him, and Lavi awkwardly sits through a screaming match between them. Or rather Yuu screaming and letting hell loose, while Froi snivels.  
  
After that they’re officially a couple and Yuu kicks the ass of everybody, who looks in a wrong way at them. Lavi’s mom is everything but thrilled and wants him to end the relationship, because Yuu’s _not good for him_. And Lavi stops being a good child and keeps seeing him, even though he feels bad. But he’s so in love.  
  
It takes nearly another year, but his mom finally understands how happy Yuu makes him and accepts it, even though she’s still not keen.  
  
For a while everything is fine.

 

But not for long. The day of the catastrophe is a Saturday. Lavi and Yuu lie on his bed and kiss. After nearly two years Lavi is as much in love as before and he knows it’s the same for Yuu. He sees it in the softness of his dark eyes.  
  
“When do you have to go?” he asks and the words are lost between their lips.  
  
“In a few minutes,” Yuu answers and starts to kiss his neck. Lavi’s eyes flutter shut and he curls his toes.  
  
“Then stop or else I’m gonna be all hot and bothered.” Yuu snorts against his neck and raises his head.  
  
“You’re already all hot and bothered.” Lavi starts to laugh and pinches his ear.  
  
“Stop it.” Yuu rolls his eyes and Lavi laughs even more. He sits up and stretches. “Give Alma my regards, will ya?”  
  
Yuu nods and gets up. He doffs his wide shirt and Lavi can’t stop staring at his naked skin until it disappears under another shirt, a little less worn-out than the other. Yuu notices his blush and steps closer. He takes Lavi’s face in his hands and leans to his ear. Warm breath wafts over his skin and Lavi can’t stop the pleasant shiver.  
  
“Want me to come to you after Alma’s competition?” he whispers and Lavi nods with a smile.  
  
“I’m gonna leave my window open,” he answers and Yuu’s thumb brushes over his lower lip. The idea of Yuu sneaking into his room and his bed makes him blush even more. They kiss and Yuu gently bites his lip, before he draws back. “Let’s go.”  
  
They’re nearly at his door, when Yuu suddenly falters. The absence is longer than usual. Lavi stands next to him and watches his dull eyes with a growing feeling of uneasiness until it’s finally over. He lays a hand on his shoulder and Yuu looks at him, eyes wide and face pale. “Are you fine?” he asks worriedly and Yuu doesn’t answer for a moment. He sways slightly and Lavi grabs his upper arms. “Sit down.” He does and Lavi goes on his knees in front of him and lays his hands on his thighs. “What do you need?”  
  
Yuu opens and closes his mouth a few times, until he lays a hand over his eyes and takes a few deep breaths. “Fuck,” he finally says and Lavi doesn’t know what to do. His hands dance over Yuu’s arms and his cheeks and finally he looks at him. “Oh my god.”  
  
“What is it?” Lavi asks, but Yuu just shakes his head and blinks a few times. He has never seen him like this. “Do you want me to get somebody? Or call a doctor?” he suggests, but Yuu shakes his head once more and takes his hand.  
  
“It’s fine,” he breathes silently and intertwines their fingers. “I… I’m just gonna stay home, I think. Yeah, I should stay home.”  
  
“Okay,” Lavi nods and gets up to sit down next to him. He lays an arm around his shoulders and the fact that Yuu doesn’t fend him off shows how bad he feels. “You sure that you don’t need a doctor?”  
  
“I’m fine,” his voice gets a little cutting and Lavi falls silent. “Can you pass me my phone? I have to call Alma.”  
  
Lavi does and keeps holding his hand while he speaks with Alma, who seems to be as rattled as Lavi by the sound of Yuu’s voice. Yuu has to tell him a few times that he doesn’t have to come over. In the end he wishes him Godspeed for his judo competition and they lay back down. Yuu doesn’t want to talk about the absence and so they just exchange innocent touches and kisses and after a while he relaxes.  
  
The catastrophe comes later, about one and a half hour after the absence. It comes in form of Froi’s deathly pale face. They’re in the kitchen and raid the fridge when he suddenly stands in the doorway.  
  
“Yuu,” he says and still has the phone in his hand. “Yuu.”  
  
“What?” he asks unfriendly and frowns. “What’s wrong?”  
  
“Yuu,” he repeats and suddenly there are tears in his eyes. Yuu’s frown disappears and he just stares at him. “Something has happened.”  
  
“What’s wrong?” His voice is bottomless.  
  
His father looks at him for a long moment and his voice is full of pain, when he starts to speak. “Something happened to Alma.” The glass falls out of Yuu’s hands and shatters. “Yuu, Alma died.”  
  
The catastrophe knocks the air out of Yuu’s lungs and he would fall, if Lavi wouldn’t hold him. He gets even paler than his father and for a moment Lavi thinks in his dismay that he’s going to pass out, but he doesn’t.  
  
Instead he flinches and terrible insight darts over his face. “But…” His voice is barely audible and Lavi feels the pondering of his pulse under his fingers. “But I…” His face twists in pain. “I didn’t…,” he whispers and his eyes get dull. It’s not an absence, it’s dread, threatening to drown him.  
And then he runs, through the shards and up the stairs, leaving behind spots of red on the white tiles and cream-coloured carpet. The bathroom door shuts with a bang and then he’s gone.  
  
They call Marie, who always had a knack for his youngest brother, and Lavi stays the whole night. Together they talk through the bathroom door with him, but to no avail. Lavi’s mother comes over after a few hours, angry because he didn’t come home, but only until she sees tears and grief in their faces.  
  
Yuu doesn’t come out. He doesn’t cry, he doesn’t scream, he doesn’t move around. It’s deadly silent and after a while Froi fears that he could do away with himself and threatens to kick the door open and finally, at the crack of dawn, Yuu opens the door and nobody knows what to say. His eyes are as dull and his face as pale as before. Lavi tries to take his ice cold hand, but Yuu moves away and takes a few steps. The line of his mouth is hard and so are his eyes.  
  
He wants to disappear into his room, but Froi steps in his way and tries to stop him. “Yuu, please,” he says and flinches, because of the endless rage in his dark eyes.  
  
“Don’t you dare.” His voice is as abysmal as before, but anger seeps out of every of his words and then he closes his door behind him.

 

Alma’s death changes Yuu. He gets even more serious and withdrawn and absolutely refuses to talk about what has happened. The absences come more often for a while, probably due to the stress, and he nearly snaps, because Froi doesn’t stop suggesting visiting a neurologist.  
  
For a while Yuu barely talks to Lavi and he fears that he might break up with him, but in the end he doesn’t and sometimes even allows him to hold him.

 

It’s their last school year and Yuu gets finally expelled after skipping nearly all his classes for months. The school is understanding in the beginning, but Yuu’s tendency to flip everybody off, who tries to talk with him about the loss of his best friend, doesn’t help and in the end he has to go.

 

Lavi’s own calamity descends upon him on a rainy day. He stays the whole morning with Yuu in his bed and can’t stop giggling, because Yuu tickles him for the first time in months. It’s soft and fond and he would be so happy, if it wasn’t for the sadness in Yuu’s eyes, hidden behind mocked apathy and anger, so much anger. It never hits Lavi, but nearly everybody else, especially Yuu’s father. The relationship is as strained as never before and Yuu spends days without talking to him. Lavi tries to intervene, but Yuu gives him the silent treatment every time and finally he gives up, while feeling so bad for Froi, who tries his best.  
  
But this morning is the best in months. He’s so in love. Then Yuu has another of his absences and the way he looks at Lavi afterwards is heart-piercing. He’s incredibly pale and nearly passes out and Lavi has to call for Froi. Together they lift his legs up and Yuu’s cheeks look finally a little healthier and less white. He stares up to Lavi and stays silent, even though they repeatedly ask him, if he needs something.  
  
He finally gets up and disappears for a while in the bathroom, while Froi and Lavi sit next to each other on his bed and talk about their concerns. They fall silent as soon as he’s back.  
  
“I’m fine,” he says and both of them know that nothing is fine. He hides behind a frown and seems to be relieved when the doorbell rings. He walks down the stairs, followed by Lavi and his father, his steps still a little wobbly, and opens the door. It’s Lavi’s mother.  
  
“Dear, where have you been?” she asks with a soft frown and Lavi smiles embarrassedly.  
  
“Sorry, I forgot,” he answers and feels bad, because his mother asked him for a family day after months he spent mostly with his grieving boyfriend. The plan was to leave by mid-morning for a little trip and it’s already noon. “I’m sorry, mom.”  
  
“It’s fine.” She smiles at him and he’s grateful. His mother is strict, but she never holds a grudge. “Let’s go.”  
  
Lavi’s smile flickers and he shoots a look at Yuu, who nods. “Go,” he says and tries to sound carelessly, but his voice is strained. “We see each other tomorrow.” And then he does something that surprises all three of them: he kisses him, right in front their parents, even though he normally dislikes showing affection in public. It’s an innocent kiss, but that doesn’t stop Lavi’s heart from bouncing in his chest. “Have fun.”  
  
Lavi smiles and nods. Maybe Yuu just needs some time for himself after the absence. And so he and his mother leave, not knowing about the disaster, which is going to take its course on a wet street a few kilometres away.  
  
An hour later Lavi lies on a gurney, his shirt is full of blood, his eye is gone and, even worse, so is his mother. The doctors staunch the bleeding caused by shards of windshield and Lavi can barely breathe.  
  
“My boyfriend,” he whispers and can’t stop crying.  
  
“We’re going to call him.” The nurse holds his hand and takes his phone. “Dear, what is his name?”  
  
“Yuu.” It’s the worst day in his life and the nice nurse keeps holding his hand while she calls Yuu. He picks up immediately and Lavi doesn’t notice the soft frown on her face.  
  
The first thing Yuu says, before she even has a chance to talk, is “Which hospital?”

 

Lavi is soon allowed to go home and lives for a while with family Tiedoll, while his great-great-uncle takes care of his move and the purchase of a house close by.  
  
He spends his days lying in Yuu’s bed and crying, while Yuu’s cold hands rub his back. He has a hard time to get used to the loss of his eye. His depth perception has had it and he keeps walking into doorframes and reaching past things. His shoulders and legs are full of bruises and it’s too much. His mom is dead, he has to live soon with his great-great-uncle, whom he barely knows, and can’t even properly pour water into a glass.  
  
For some time he’s as angry as Yuu. He snaps at everybody, including Yuu, who stays unusually calm, and cries himself to sleep every night. Yuu lies next to him and holds his hand in the darkness. He also traces the slowly healing scars on his face carefully with the cool tips of his fingers. And sometimes he whispers into Lavi’s ear, often in Japanese. The words are soft and gentle and Lavi doesn’t have to understand him to feel the warmth seeping out of every vowel.  
  
“I want to stay with you forever,” he finally whispers back one night, breathy and barely audible, and Yuu’s fingers curl into his skin. He doesn’t answer, instead he kisses him and then they sleep with each other for the first time in months.

 

The day of Lavi’s graduation starts sad, because his mother isn’t there, but it gets better and better. Yuu and his whole family sit in the audience, together with his great-great-uncle, and afterwards Froi treats them all dinner. Lavi gets several slaps on the back and he’s so proud, because his grades only suffered minimally.  
  
He enrols and together with Yuu he moves to his university city. Their apartment is tiny and the neighbourhood not the best, but both of them don’t care. They’re in love and together and that’s the only thing that counts.  
  
They start to work in a supermarket, Lavi as a sideline and Yuu fulltime, and probably annoy their co-workers with long gazes and whispers between shelves.

 

After a while Lavi starts to notice things. Things that don’t make sense.  
  
Yuu’s absences come at least once every few days and he tries different medications, but without success. Their superior knows about it and Yuu mostly works in the back or refills shelves and it works out.  
  
But there’s something up. It doesn’t happen every day, but often enough to catch Lavi’s attention. Yuu gets mugged and only has a little cash on him, whereas he normally never leaves the house without his phone and wallet. Lavi slips at work and twists his knee and Yuu shows up, before their co-workers call him. Lavi nearly misses the metro, because Yuu kisses him long and gently at the door, and later that day he learns that one of his fellow students died in an accident. Yuu’s unusually cheerful one day and later Marie stands in front of their door, a huge smile on his face, because his girlfriend Miranda is pregnant.  
  
And one day they walk next to each other and Yuu’s hand in Lavi’s is cold and sweaty. He examines him with a frown and wants to ask, if something is wrong, but then Yuu grabs him by the collar and pulls him into a weirdly stiff embrace and only a few seconds later something crashes into the sidewalk on the other side of the street. Lavi startles and wants to turn his head, but Yuu drags him into a beauty shop right next to him and in the end they stay there for nearly an hour until the body of the suicide victim is carried away.  
  
Things like this keep happening and Lavi thinks that he lost his mind, because his conclusion can’t be true. It can’t be.

 

Months later he just asks him, awaiting Yuu to scoff at him and raise a brow, but instead Yuu just looks at him, eyes open and mouth soft.  
  
“Say something,” Lavi asks and smiles awkwardly, but Yuu just keeps looking at him. “Come on, tell me that I’m crazy.”  
  
But Yuu doesn’t, instead he casts his eyes down and it’s silent for another endless moment, before he raises his head and they lock eyes.  
  
“It was always like this,” he answers silently. “But it got worse with the years. It just happens.”  
  
Lavi stares at him, eye wide, mouth dry. “Yuu,” he finally says. “Don’t be ridiculous. You can’t… read into the future. That’s impossible.” He starts to laugh, but it’s not funny, not at all.  
  
“Is it?” is the only thing Yuu says and looks back into his bowl and eats his ramen. Lavi just stares at him with ice cold hands.

 

He needs a few days until he can raise the topic another time. They lie in bed and Yuu has his arms around him and is half-asleep.  
  
“Yuu, you are not fucking with me, are you?” Lavi asks into the silence and Yuu stirs behind him. His warm breath touches Lavi’s skin.  
  
“I have never been more serious,” he answers and then it’s silent again.

 

They don’t talk about it for a while, but that doesn’t stop Lavi from thinking about it. He broods about Yuu’s absences and all the times he just seemed to know what is going to happen.  
  
The insight comes on a Friday night. He stands in the bathroom in front of their cracked mirror and styles his hair, because he talked Yuu into going out, and then it hits him. His eye rests on his eyepatch and all air leaves his lungs.  
  
Yuu’s absence, his pale face, the kiss in front of their parents.  
  
“Yuu!” he calls out and his voice has to sound as bottomless as Yuu’s right after Alma’s death, because Yuu stands in the doorway only a second later, eyes wide and worried. Lavi’s face is deathly pale, he sees it in the mirror and in Yuu’s eyes. “You knew about the accident beforehand.”  
  
Yuu falters, but he doesn’t deny it. Instead he casts his eyes down and Lavi’s heart shatters apart.  
  
“You knew about it beforehand,” he whispers and inhales deeply. “Yuu, you knew it.” Yuu stays silent.  
  
“Yuu?” he croaks. “Say something. You didn’t let my mom die, right? You didn’t. Say something,” he adds pleadingly and Yuu swallows hardly and looks everywhere but at him.  
  
“You don’t understand,” he tries to say and is so unusually calm, but Lavi doesn’t want to understand.  
  
“You… you knew she would die. You let her…” He stumbles back and lays a shaking hand over his mouth. “Oh god, you let her die.”  
  
“Lavi…” Yuu tries to step closer, but Lavi’s voice cracks. He can’t stop himself from screaming.  
  
“You knew that she would die!” His breath is fast and frantic. “Admit it!” he shouts at him and so Yuu does. With nothing more than a slow nod. The shards in Lavi’s chest cut his insides apart. He can’t breathe, he can’t think. All he can do is to scream. He screams and screams, profanities and hurtful words he has never used before. He screams until his voice dies down and then he burst into tears. He sits at the floor, curled into a ball, and cries, while Yuu leans against the doorframe, shoulders sloped and eyes heavy. “Why?” he finally rasps out and Yuu closes his eyes for a long moment.  
  
“Because I had to,” he answers and Lavi doesn’t understand. “Alma.” It’s just one word, a name, but misery starts to gush out of Yuu’s dark eyes and threatens to drown both of them. “The day he… the day he died… I saw my own death. When we lay in bed. I saw myself dying, so I stayed home. And then he died in my place.”  
  
Lavi just stares at him and then he starts to laugh and it sounds horrible. Dread spills out with every laughter and he can’t stop. “You lost your mind.” His voice sounds hysterically. “Yuu, what is wrong with you?”  
  
Something behind Yuu’s eyes snaps shut, a door, which is normally always and for everybody closed, except for Lavi. It snaps shut and the sound resonates from the cracked tiles of their ramshackle bathroom. Yuu leaves and closes the bedroom door behind him and Lavi doesn’t get up for a while, because he can’t. He can’t. Yuu let his mother die.

 

They don’t talk with each other for days, the longest time ever, and Lavi tries to put the shards in his chest back together, but they keep falling apart, a little more with every day they don’t talk with each other.  
  
Finally he can’t endure it any longer and breaks the silence, in the knowledge that they’re probably only going to scream at each other. But Lavi still does.  
  
“Yuu,” he says softly into the darkness and clearly hears him stirring. Yuu sleeps on the floor since Friday night. “Yuu.”  
  
“What?” he asks brusquely and Lavi starts to cry, because there is no warmth in his voice and Yuu let her die, his mother.  
  
He curls up and cries against his knees and doesn’t hear Yuu’s steps until his hand lies between Lavi’s shoulder blades. Lavi looks up and can barely see him in the little light of a streetlamp, which spills through their curtains. Yuu’s hand wanders to his cheek and in the next moment they lie in each other’s arms and Lavi can’t stop crying. Yuu doesn’t cry, but his heart races in his chest.  
  
Time passes, maybe minutes, maybe an hour, and finally Lavi’s breath is a little calmer. They just keep lying there like this, Lavi’s face against Yuu’s chest, Yuu’s arms around him.  
  
“How do you know that Alma took your place?” Lavi asks and wipes his face with the back of his hand. Yuu tenses up.  
  
“Because I saw him crying. He was holding me and I… I was full of blood. I don’t know why. I just was. And dead,” he says and his voice is less firm than usual. “So I stayed home and then…”  
  
“Yuu.” Lavi moves and looks at him through the darkness. “Alma died of a sinus arrest. He had a heart condition nobody knew about.”  
  
“Lavi,” Yuu grits out and inhales deeply. “He was holding me. He was alive. And then he died, because I didn’t. I don’t care if you believe me or not, but I know it. He died because of me.”  
  
“Is that the reason you decided to let my mother die?” Lavi asks and is surprised how cold his voice sounds. Yuu stays for another moment and then he tries to get up, but Lavi closes his hand around his wrist. “Answer me,” he demands and Yuu inhales deeply.  
  
“I didn’t let her die. She died, because it was her time or whatever. I have no idea,” he says and Lavi’s voice is nothing against the iciness in his words. “I saw it before it happened, but that doesn’t make it my fault.” He frees himself and gets up. Lavi sits up and switches on the light and there is so much rage in him, right under his heart. It roars and his whole body vibrates.  
  
Yuu looks at him as soon as the light is on and Lavi winces, because there is something in his eyes, he has never seen before. At least not directed at him. It’s hate.  
  
“It’s not my fault,” he repeats and Lavi isn’t the only one shaking. “In contrast to Alma,” he speaks on and his voice trembles for a moment and finally Lavi understands. Rage dies down and evaporates somewhere between his ribs. Yes, its hate, but not directed at Lavi. It’s self-hatred. “You understand nothing.” Yuu’s eyes are so dark and pained that the shards in Lavi’s chest threaten to shatter even more. “He’s dead because of me. Because of a decision I made.”  
  
“Yuu,” Lavi says softly, but he shakes his head and starts to pace up and down.  
  
“Every single one of my breaths is stolen. Every step I take is Alma’s. Every fucking moment is pried from his hands.” Grief and guilt sloshes over his face. “Don’t you dare to tell me that I killed your mother. I killed Alma, but not her. And…” He steps back and takes a deep breath and his eyes pierce right through Lavi. “And who would it have been, if I would have prevented her death? What if it would have been you? What if she would have lost an eye and you would have died? Because of my decision? How the fuck am I supposed to live with that?” he shouts at him and tears his hair. “This is a decision past recall. There’s no way to atone that, Lavi! Alma’s dead and you would have maybe died, too.”  
  
“Yuu,” Lavi repeats and now he’s crying. He gets up and wants to reach for him, but Yuu steps back. “Yuu, please.”  
  
“You don’t understand that,” he repeats and his face twists in misery. “It was always okay. I saw things happening and never something bad happened. I saw surprise tests, I saw us getting picked up by the police after sneaking out, I saw me getting punished, and so I changed my behaviour. And sometimes other things I saw just didn’t happen, but never something like this.” He clenches his fists and takes a shaky breath. “Never something bad happened, but…” He exhales slowly and suddenly he looks so much calmer. “I don’t know, maybe it’s a kind of balance. Maybe somebody has to die when a child gets born, somewhere on the world. And maybe just another person takes their place, if you prevent that. Maybe that’s just how it goes. Or maybe it’s a punishment for getting involved in it. I don’t know, Lavi.” His dark eyes threaten to spill over and Lavi steps closer. This time Yuu doesn’t draw back.  
  
Lavi takes his face in his hands and whispers, “Yuu.”  
  
“I don’t know, Lavi.” He squeezes his eyes shut and Lavi wraps his arms around him. And know he feels them, through Yuu’s skin. Shards, hundreds upon hundreds, right where his heart is supposed to be. Even smaller than his own, wrecking his insides, hurting with every stolen step and every taken breath. Glinting like Alma’s dark eyes in the glow of rage, Yuu’s oldest friend, his protector.  
  
They stand there for a long time and then Yuu freezes. It’s another absence and his eyes are a little emptier afterwards.  
  
“What did you saw?” Lavi asks and touches his cheeks. “Yuu?”  
  
Yuu’s eyes are dull and he takes a deep breath. “I wish I just would have gone to the competition.”  
  
“Yuu, what did you saw?” Lavi repeats and shakes him slightly. Yuu finally looks at him and the smile on his lips is horrible, because it’s as empty as his eyes. He slowly shakes his head and Lavi sobs. “Tell me,” he whispers and Yuu shakes his head another time, before putting his arms around him.  
  
One hour later they receive the call that Miranda had a miscarriage.

 

They try to make it work, to be as happy as before, even though Yuu was never truly happy, but it stands between them. Every time Lavi looks into Yuu’s eyes he sees the dead body of his mother, sitting next to him on the driver’s seat.  
  
Yuu tries another medication and another, another, another and Lavi starts to look for an apartment he can afford and spends his days everywhere but home, so Yuu doesn’t see the pain in his eye.  
  
And then the last medication works. The absences stop and suddenly Yuu’s steps are so much lighter, his mouth softer, his eyes brighter and Lavi stays. They don’t talk about it and just love each other and Lavi manages to assemble the shards in his chest. The break lines are still fragile, but they get stronger with every day and night with Yuu and he finally can think about his mother, without rage roaring in his chest.  
  
He’s happy and Yuu is less miserable. Guilt doesn’t leave, it hides behind every corner and sometimes it sneaks up to him. Lavi sees it in his eyes and sometimes he’s allowed to hold him. He tries to banish it, but after all this time it has merged with Yuu, like his grief. It has become a part of him and there’s no way to chase it off, without ripping another hole into him, another broken piece, and so Lavi learns to live with it.  
  
It stays like this, but only for a while, because life is ruthless and has no mercy with the young man Lavi loves so much.

 

He’s on the bed and reads, while Yuu prepares homemade ramen. Everything is fine until Lavi hears bluster. He jumps to his feet and his heart nearly stops, when he rushes into the kitchen.  
  
It’s not an absence, it’s a seizure, grand mal, and absolutely terrifying. Yuu’s whole body convulses and his head keeps hitting against the floor. Lavi grabs a leg and drags him into the middle of the room, before he stumbles away to get a pillow. He loses his footing and lands flat on his chest and for a moment he can’t breathe, but then Yuu starts to scream and he flies back to him. He pushes the pillow under his head and then he’s sitting next to him and calls an ambulance.  
  
The seizure goes on and on and all Lavi can do is to watch in horror. It still goes on when the ambulance arrives and for a moment Lavi thinks that he’s going to lose him, before the seizure suddenly stops.  
  
They take Yuu with them and Lavi is allowed to accompany them and holds his ice cold hand the whole drive. In the hospital he walks next to the gurney until a nurse stops him and tells him to wait, so he does.  
  
He sits between other pale faces and blood rushes in his ears. The question why they can’t live in peace, not even a few months, rages through his head. He hides his face behind his hands and squeezes his eye shut to prevent it from welling over, before he gets up after a while to ask after Yuu, but the nurse at the reception can’t help him. So he waits for some time, which feels like an eternity.  
  
He thinks about asking for a second time, when he hears quick steps. And to his surprise it’s Yuu. Ashen-faced and on socks. He shoots a look at Lavi and walks past him and towards the exit. A doctor walks behind him and talks insistently to him, but Yuu only glares at him and doesn’t get slower.  
  
Lavi jumps to his feet and runs after him until he catches up with him. “Yuu!” he calls out and Yuu falters only for a moment and keeps walking. “Yuu!” he repeats and grabs his arm. “Yuu, please.”  
  
Yuu turns around and Lavi is startled, because of the storm behind his eyes. His whole body is shaking and Lavi doesn’t know if it’s anger or faintness. “I’m going home,” is the only thing he says through gritted teeth and then Lavi can only follow him.  
  
“Yuu, I’m worried,” Lavi whispers in the flight of stairs of their apartment building later, but Yuu doesn’t look at him. He’s sweating, swaying and even paler, but he doesn’t allow Lavi to help him.  
  
Finally he stops in front of their door and leans with closed eyes against the wall. Lavi gets his keys out and opens the door. Yuu brushes past him and disappears into the bathroom. Lavi slips out of his shoes and curls up on their bed and waits.  
  
Yuu doesn’t come out for a while and when he does, his hair is wet and he wears fresh clothes. He walks towards Lavi and for a moment he thinks that he’s going to lie down next to him, but instead he grabs his medication and empties the bottle into the wastebasket.  
  
“Yuu,” Lavi says and tears prickle in his eye. “You need your medication.”  
  
Yuu tenses up and then he looks at him, the storm behind his eyes still raging. “Lavi,” he starts, his voice an abyss. “I saw everything.”  
  
“What do you mean?” Lavi asks and wipes his face with the back of his hand. “I don’t understand.”  
  
“I saw _everything_ ,” Yuu hisses and rams his nails into the fabric of his shirt. “Everything that happened while I took the medication.”  
  
Lavi falters and stares at him. “What did you see?”  
  
Yuu leans heavily against the wall, a thin film of sweat on his forehead. “My father falling down the stairs and breaking his leg. The girl, who got beaten to death by her boyfriend in our neighbourhood. Miranda crying in her bathroom, because she lost the baby she hasn’t told anyone about, not even Marie. Our co-worker nearly getting run over, because he stared at his phone while crossing the street. The little boy, who died in a fire in the house right next to the supermarket.” He slides down the wall and takes a shaky breath. “You searching for an apartment, because you want to leave me.” Lavi freezes, hands getting ice cold and heart racing in his chest, and he wants to say something, explain, apologize, but Yuu keeps talking. “You crying at night in the bathroom, so that I don’t see your tears. You talking with Lenalee, how you should end the relationship, how long ago?” He starts to laugh and it’s a horrible sound. “Lavi, I saw everything.”  
  
“Yuu,” Lavi starts and can’t stop the sob. “Yuu, that was months ago. I swear I don’t want to leave you.”  
  
Yuu stares at him, looking so exhausted, before casting his eyes down. “When did you change your mind?” he asks silently.  
  
Lavi presses his lips together and his eye wanders towards the empty medication bottle on the floor. When he looks back at Yuu, he’s staring at him. “I see.”  
  
“Yuu.” He inhales shakily, because Yuu’s eyes stay hard. “Yuu, I’m sorry.”  
  
“I can’t take that stuff anymore.” Yuu’s eyes roam restlessly through the room. “I can live with an absence every few days, but not with something like this every few months. Lavi, I can’t. I saw _everything_.” His voice cracks and he closes his eyes and hides his face behinds hands and knees.  
  
Lavi gets up and stops in front of him. His hands touch Yuu’s shoulders and when he looks up, he wraps his arms around him. They stay like this for a while, Yuu deathly pale and effete in his arms, and Lavi crying into his hair, until Yuu starts to speak. “Lavi, if you can’t live like that… I’m not angry.” He looks up and Lavi’s bottom lip starts to shake.  
  
“Yuu, please.” His hands dance over his white cheeks and Yuu’s eyes are so dark and soft.  
  
“You should go,” he says and there’s no anger in his voice. The storm has died down and all that is left is heartache and rain.  
  
They hold each other the whole night. And in the morning Lavi leaves.

 

They keep seeing each other at work and it’s awful. Lavi crashes at his friend’s place, Lenalee, to her brother’s displeasure. They often spend the nights talking with each other, because Lavi can’t fall asleep without Yuu next to him.  
  
Yuu looks as bad as Lavi feels. The absences come more often, a few times per day, probably due to stress and a broken heart. The shadows under his eyes are as dark as bruises and his face so pale.  
  
Sometimes they talk with each other and Lavi is relieved to hear that he hadn’t another grand mal seizure. Yuu doesn’t talk about the absences and Lavi doesn’t ask.  
  
Lavi misses him so much that it’s nearly suffocation.

 

A few weeks pass and the heartache stays, but something else comes back into Lavi’s life. It’s easiness. He goes out, meets his friends and laughs.  
  
Lavi changes his shifts and now he barely sees Yuu, which is good, because his heart feels less heavy and he can joke with his co-workers, without the personification of his longing in the corner of his eye.  
  
His grades get better and he even goes on a few dates with a fellow student and afterwards home with him.

 

Yuu resigns and they talk one last time at night in front of the store. He looks even worse than after their break-up. They hug each other and Lavi’s cheeks are wet when they move apart. Yuu’s cool fingers wipe off the tears and he even manages a smile, tiny and barely visible.  
  
“Farewell, Lavi,” he says and there is warmth in his eyes. Lavi can’t say anything and so he just hugs him a second time, before he walks home to Lenalee’s place.  
  
He cries the half night.

 

The heartache stays and Lavi misses him so much, but he still doesn’t call him, because it’s the only way to get over him.

 

He gets a new job in a cinema and the change does him good. He sees new people, goes on dates and even has a little crush on one of his co-workers.

 

He meets a new group of friends and has so much fun with them. They even plan a vacation together and Lavi books his flight with a smile on his lips, not knowing that Yuu is going to have another absence, at work during his break, which is going to be followed by horror, nearly suffocating him.  
  
Another catastrophe starts to sneak up.

 

It’s a Friday morning and way too early for Lavi’s taste. Lenalee isn’t home, she’s on a short vacation with her brother. He stands in the corridor and goes a last time through his luggage, when somebody knocks at the door. He frowns and shoots a look at the clock at the wall and opens the door.  
  
Yuu’s pale face nearly sweeps Lavi off his feet. He stands in the door, his hair in a very messy bun and the circles under his eyes huge. Lavi just stares at him and Yuu just stares back. A few seconds pass, until Yuu clears his throat.  
  
“Lavi,” he says and the sound of his voice goes through Lavi’s whole body, from head to toe, right through his heart. “Can I come in?” he asks and Lavi steps back without answering. Then they stand awkwardly next to each other and it’s silent for a while, until Lavi finds his voice, lost somewhere between his ribs.  
  
“Yuu,” he whispers and his name rolls off his tongue like it hasn’t been weeks since the last time he said it. Out loud at least.  
  
“Lavi,” Yuu repeats and looks at him, eyes and mouth soft, and warmth spreads out in Lavi’s whole body. “Can we talk?”  
  
“I… I have no time,” Lavi answers and points at his luggage. “I’m going on a vacation. Can we talk afterwards?”  
  
“No,” Yuu answers and then he reaches out and takes Lavi’s phone out of his hands. He’s too surprised to react and watches Yuu pocketing it. “I’m sorry.”  
  
“Yuu?” Lavi stares at him. He wants to take it back, but Yuu steps away from him. “What the fuck?”  
  
Yuu doesn’t answer, instead he closes the door, locks it and the key also disappears into his pocket.  
  
“Yuu,” Lavi repeats angrily. He doesn’t understand, but only until he sees the anxiety in his eyes.  
  
“I can’t let you leave, Lavi.” Lavi stares at him and finally understands.  
  
“Yuu.” His voice is barely audible. “What have you seen?” he asks and Yuu just shakes his head.  
  
“I’m sorry,” he repeats and now Lavi really loses the ground under his feet.  
  
“What have you seen?” he shouts at him and grabs his shirt. “Yuu!”  
  
“Lavi, I’m sorry.” In his dismay Lavi believes him, but that doesn’t stop him from shaking him.  
  
“Yuu! _What have you seen_?” he finally screams at him, at the top of his lungs, and Yuu looks at him, eyes so dark.  
  
“I don’t know, who’s going to take your place, but I can’t let you… Lavi, I can’t let you die,” he whispers and Lavi lets go of him. He stumbles back and leans heavily against the wall.  
  
“What will happen to me?” he croaks and inhales deeply. His heart races in his chest and he feels so dizzy.  
  
“Nothing will happen to you, because you’re staying here with me,” Yuu answers firmly and shoves his hands into his pockets. “You don’t have to see me ever again afterwards, promise.”  
  
“Yuu, what will happen to me?” Lavi repeats and starts to fidget with the hem of his shirt, until he falters. He stares at the locked door and finally at his luggage. “No.” He gasps and pushes himself off the wall. “No,” he repeats. “Not the plane.”  
  
Yuu casts his eyes down and his jaw works. “Not the plane. A car accident, right when they pick you up. I’m sorry,” he says for the nth time and finally Lavi snaps.  
  
“My friends!” he shouts and stumbles towards Yuu. “Give me the keys!”  
  
He doesn’t move, instead he just looks at Lavi. “I can’t do that.”  
  
“They’re my friends!” Lavi grabs him once more. “I have to warn them!”  
  
“Lavi, you don’t understand-” Yuu starts, but only until Lavi shoves him roughly against the wall.  
  
“No, you don’t understand. These are my friends. My friends! Don’t you _dare_ to tell me that I’ll have to wait here with you while they die!” His voice cracks and he inhales shakily.  
  
“You don’t understand,” Yuu repeats and his hands close vice-like around Lavi’s arms. “Somebody is going to take your place and when it’s only you, then I can at least hope that it’s going to be me!” The coldness of his skin seeps through Lavi’s shirt. “But not if it’s the whole group. Lavi, you don’t understand.” Now he’s the one, who gets shaken. “I’m already bearing the blame for Alma’s death, I can’t do that for four more people. I can’t!” Yuu lets go of him and sags against the wall. “I’m sorry,” he repeats. “Lavi, I’m sorry.”  
  
Lavi stares at him, before his legs give out. He lands on the floor, half on top of his luggage and gasps for air. Yuu wants to reach for him, help him, but Lavi fights him off and stays like this, half on the floor, eye wide. “They’re all going to die,” he croaks and stares up to Yuu, who slowly nods.  
  
“All of them, but not you,” he answers silently and Lavi bursts into tears. He curls up and cries and Yuu sits down and leans against the opposing wall, hands shaking and eyes heavy.  
  
They stay like this for a while, Lavi crying desperately, because his friends are going to die and there is nothing he can do, and Yuu watching him helplessly, guilt slowly devouring him. Then Lavi’s phone rings. Yuu pulls it out and then he looks at Lavi for a long moment. He doesn’t answer and so the phone rings and rings and rings.  
  
Lavi stays on the floor, listens to the ring tone, a short and cheerful melody, and for a moment he thinks about jumping up and grabbing the phone. Yuu’s words still lie heavily on his eardrums. _I’m already bearing the blame for Alma’s death, I can’t do that for five more people. I can’t._  
  
He still gets up and reaches out. Yuu looks at him and to his surprise he doesn’t move away or tries to fend him off. He even hands him the phone, but as soon as Lavi touches it a crash resonates. Metal scraping over metal, screams, right in front of the apartment building. He freezes and stares at Yuu and his phone falls silent.  
  
“It… it…” Lavi struggles for words.  
  
“It just happened,” Yuu replies very silently. He takes a deep breath and dread oozes out of his eyes and over his cheeks. “And I didn’t take your place.”

 

The next few hours fly by, but Lavi barely notices. He lies on the day bed and feels so numb. His body, his mind, his heart.  
Yuu paces up and down and calls all of his relatives, even Lavi’s great-great-uncle.  
  
“It’s Daisya,” he says finally and sags next to Lavi onto the sleep couch. His face gets paler and paler and Lavi moves a cold hand to lay it on his even colder cheek. “I can’t get a hold of him. It’s him.”  
  
“You can’t know that,” Lavi answers brusquely and is surprised how firm his voice sounds. “Alma had a heart condition. You don’t have any proof, that you didn’t let four people die without any proper reason. And my mother.” Rage riots in his chest and Lavi would scream, lash out, demolish, if he wouldn’t feel so weak and empty.  
  
Yuu doesn’t answer and so they wait. Lavi keeps lying on the couch, alternating between crying and staring at the ceiling, and Yuu keeps pacing.  
  
The answer comes in form of a phone call from Marie, voice shaking, and a wave of guilt, that presses all air out of Yuu’s lungs.  
  
Daisya lost his balance on a flight of steps and broke his neck.

 

Yuu doesn’t go home after this. He lies down next to Lavi without touching him and doesn’t say a word for the rest of the weekend.  
  
When Lenalee comes home and opens the door, a surge of dread, grief and guilt hits her. She steps in and looks into two deathly pale faces and becomes one of them after hearing what has happened.  
  
Five people are dead. Four, because it was their time, and one, because he took Lavi’s place.  
  
“It’s a punishment.” Yuu’s first words since the phone call. Lavi sits next to him, his arms around his knees. “Alma and Daisya, of all people in the world. It’s a punishment. That also explains, why I didn’t take your place,” he says, voice silent and slow.  
  
“Like you hoped,” Lavi adds and now Yuu looks at him with very soft eyes.  
  
“I would die for you at any time,” he says and the shattered mess in Lavi’s chest starts to glow softly, despite anger and grief.

 

Lavi doesn’t doubt Yuu after this. Not anymore.  
  
He packs up and goes home with him, into a small and cold apartment. He manages to warm it up, but Yuu stays frozen. Guilt deprives him of all his warmth and even the soft glow in Lavi’s chest, his hands, his eye, his lips barely reaches him. He stands in broad daylight in the dark.  
  
“I wished I would have gone to Alma’s competition,” he says one day very evenly and Lavi hides in the bathroom to cry, so that Yuu doesn’t see his tears.

 

The funeral is terrible. Lavi sits next to Yuu and holds his hand, which gets colder and colder. Froi collapses at his son’s grave and Yuu flees, Lavi right behind him, but he can’t escape his father’s screams.  
  
_Why? Why? Why?_  
  
They make it to the parking lot and then Yuu’s legs give out and he crouches on the floor, nails rammed into his scalp, shivering, eyes wide.  
  
“Because of me.”  
  
Lavi rubs his back, presses his shoulders, tries to help him up. Yuu raises his head and looks up to him, eyes full of guilt and desperation.  
  
“It’s my fault. All of this.”  
  
“Yuu,” Lavi whispers and crouches down next to him. “Yuu.”  
  
There’s nothing he can say and so his hands helplessly dance over Yuu’s shoulders, arms, cheeks, back. He inhales deeply, a stolen breath, and slowly starts to understand the true scale of his guilt.  
  
Daisya is dead, because he’s not, and there is no way to atone that.

 

Yuu changes once more. He’s even more withdrawn into himself and Lavi’s life loses all its easiness. He attends four more funerals and Yuu doesn’t accompany him, because he can’t endure more mourning families.

 

Marie stands one day in front of their door and even though grief hides in every line in his face, he smiles.  
  
Miranda is pregnant and this time it looks good.  
  
It’s a little spark of warmth and Yuu keeps running away from it, until he falters a few days later in their kitchen, eyes dull and empty, and after the absence he looks at Lavi, eyes as bright as they haven’t been in years.  
  
“Tell me,” Lavi whispers and steps closer.  
  
“A girl,” Yuu answers likewise silently. “Miranda’s hair and Marie’s eyes.”  
  
Lavi sighs in relief and happiness and for the first time since their break-up they kiss.

 

Yuu’s steps are a little lighter, not much, but Lavi is happy nonetheless.

 

Miranda is a nervous mess during the pregnancy, which is understandable after two lost children.  
  
Lavi and Yuu visit her and Marie one day and Miranda bursts into tears after slipping in the kitchen. Marie wants to comfort her, but Yuu gets up faster and crouches down next to her.  
  
“You know, I have this really good feeling. Everything is going to be alright,” he says and for a moment his eyes have their old glint back.  
  
“How can you know?” She asks and tears run over her cheeks. “It’s not like you can know what’s going to happen.”  
  
Lavi snorts silently, for the first time since an early Friday morning, and they lock eyes for a second, before Yuu looks back at her and shrugs. “I don’t know, I just have this strong feeling.”  
  
“Yes?” She wipes her cheeks and looks at him and he nods.  
  
“Yes,” he answers and helps her up.

 

Yuu has often nightmares, nearly every night. Lavi doesn’t notice every time, because Yuu doesn’t stir or scream, he just wakes up in a cold sweat and disappears silently into the bathroom. Sometimes he sits all night cross-legged on the worn down rug, staring at the wall and agonizing about the two people, who died because of him.  
  
Sometimes Lavi wakes up and sits next to him, holding his cold hand.

 

He tries to talk to him, to ease his guilt, but it keeps coming, often in waves. Yuu has a few good days followed by bad days.  
  
The day Miranda shows them an ultrasound image is one of the good ones. Daisya’s birthday is one of the bad ones.  
  
Lavi tries so hard to be there for him, but Yuu keeps slipping away from him, slowly but steady, and spends his days balancing on the edge of an abyss.

 

A few months later Johanna is born, too early, but she’s a fighter. Ten fingers, ten toes, lots of dark hair and dark eyes.  
  
Yuu doesn’t want to hold her, so Lavi does and loses his heart.  
  
“We’re uncles,” he keeps whispering and the corners of Yuu’s mouth twitch slightly.

 

The absences keep appearing more often. Sometimes Yuu is as calm as before, sometimes his face loses all of its colour. He doesn’t talk about it and Lavi doesn’t ask.  
  
They just keep going, one step after another and Lavi is more than willing to carry him if necessary.

 

Some time passes. Lavi graduates with delay and starts his master. Yuu starts to work at a gas station and sometimes Lavi visits him at night. Once he gets nearly fired, because he’s too busy kissing Lavi in the backroom to notice his boss walking in.

 

Light-heartedness comes back, very slowly and so much less than in the time between the break-up and the day of catastrophe and reconciliation, but it’s still there.  
  
Yuu is often too tired, but encourages him to go out with Lenalee and her friends. She’s his best friend and introduces him to Allen, who soon shares the status with her. They have a lot of fun and sometimes Yuu comes along.

 

Yuu barely visits his father, because there too many painful memories, so Lavi does. The visits are exhausting and heart-wrenching, because Froi still griefs as much as the day of his middle son’s death.

 

Lavi’s great-great-uncle has more and more problems to get by alone and so he moves to a senior residence after a lot of persuasion of them, subtle on Lavi’s side and blunt on Yuu’s.

 

Yuu loses his job, because he’s so often on sick leave, nearly every time after one of the bad absences. They barely make ends meet and Lavi works even harder to graduate a semester earlier.

 

Time flies by. One day Johanna can suddenly walk and Miranda is so excited on the phone, but Lavi hasn’t much time to speak with her, because the deadline for his thesis is too close for his taste.

 

They snap often at each other and easiness leaves once more. Lavi, because he’s stressed. Yuu, because the knowledge of every tragedy that’s going to take place. The absences get worse and after a while he starts to see things happen on the other side of the globe.  
  
Lavi forgets his deadlines and lays often a cold cloth in his neck and holds his hand, while Yuu takes Atlas’s place and carries the whole world on his shoulders.

 

Lavi still loves him, very much, but sometimes he can’t endure to look in his eyes, which have seen too much in a life too short.

 

They’re on the bed, Lavi’s legs on Yuu’s shoulders and it’s perfect. It’s the first time in a while they have sex, because Yuu’s absences exhaust him more and more, much to Lavi’s concern.  
  
But right now there is no place for worries and sorrow in his head. Yuu is between his legs and in him and there’s easiness in his hands and his eyes like Lavi hasn’t seen in a long time on him.  
  
“Yuu, I’m gonna…” he whispers breathlessly and gasps, when Yuu speeds up a little. He arches his back, squeezes his eye shut and is so close, so very close, when Yuu stops moving.  
  
Lavi’s eye snaps open and meets Yuu’s empty ones. Another absence. He supports himself on his elbows and examines him, until the absence is finally over. Yuu’s dark eyes jump over him and through the room and Lavi immediately knows that it was one of the bad ones. Yuu’s hands on his thighs feel clammy and cold.  
  
“Yuu?” he asks and Yuu looks for a moment at him, before he clears his throat.  
  
“Sorry,” he answers, voice less firm than usual. He starts to move again, but it’s not passionate, it’s forced and Lavi lays a hand on his arm. Yuu examines him with a deep frown. “I am sorry,” he says contritely.  
  
Lavi smiles at him, even though he’s frustrated, but it’s not Yuu’s fault. “It’s fine.”  
  
They move apart and Lavi excuses himself into the bathroom. He finishes with a few quick strokes and washes his hands with a disappointed sigh. Then he forces another smile on his face and walks back into the bedroom.  
  
Yuu sits on the edge of the bed and examines him with sloped shoulders. “I’m sorry,” he says once more and Lavi sits down next to him and puts an arm around his shoulders.  
  
“No, it’s not your fault.” Lavi kisses his cheek and smiles at him, this time genuinely. “It’s fine.”  
  
It’s not fine. He sees it in his eyes, the hard line of his mouth.  
  
“Yuu,” he says softly and pulls him closer. “Yuu, please.”  
  
“You’re not happy,” Yuu answers finally and doesn’t look at him. Lavi’s breath hitches in his throat, not only because of the implication, but also because it’s true. He’s not happy.  
  
“I love you,” he answers evasively and now Yuu looks at him and raises a brow.  
  
“Enough to be in an unhappy relationship?” he only asks and Lavi’s eye threatens to spill over.  
  
“I love you so much.” His voice is thin and his cheeks wet and Yuu wraps an arm around him and wipes his face with his colds fingers.  
  
“I don’t want to make you cry.” He frowns softly and rubs his back. “I want you to be happy, but you aren’t.”  
  
“Yuu, please don’t break up with me,” Lavi whispers and the tears keep running. “I don’t want to live without you.”  
  
“But you aren’t happy,” he repeats, now a pinch frustrated.  
  
Lavi frowns at him and wipes his face with the back of his hands. “I would be even unhappier without you,” he answers, nearly defiant. Yuu takes his hands away and sighs.  
  
“Unhappy and unhappier, that’s the two option?” he answers and gets up. Lavi catches his wrist and pulls him back.  
  
“Yuu, stop twisting my words.” Lavi stares at him, sadness gone.  
  
“You are not happy with me,” Yuu hisses at him and frees himself. “I have enough crosses to bear. I don’t want another one in form of ruining your life.”  
  
“You aren’t ruining my life,” Lavi answers, likewise angry and gets up, too. “Your fucking absences are ruining my life! But that’s not your fault and yes, I’m not happy, because I feel so incredibly bad for you that I sometimes can’t breathe and my mom is dead and so are four of my friends and your brother and Alma and Miranda’s two unborn children. I love you, Yuu, and when I can only have you with these goddamn absences, then I’m gonna live with that.” He looks teary-eyed at Yuu, who just looks back for a moment, before he casts his eyes down, jaw working.  
  
“So many bereavements,” he says finally and Lavi steps closer. “That’s not normal. My mother, your mother, Alma in my place, Daisya in your place, your friends, Marie’s and Miranda’s children, the many accidents in our neighbourhood.”  
  
“Yuu.” Lavi wraps his arms around him, but Yuu’s stiff and frozen under his touch. “Don’t do that to yourself.”  
  
“Lavi, that’s not normal,” he repeats and stares at him, eyes wide and full of pain. “I changed my behaviour so many times as a teenager to avoid tests, punishments and so on, before Alma died. Some things I saw never happened.” He inhales deeply, breath going to fast, and takes a step back and Lavi makes room for him. “It’s a punishment. Not only for the deaths I tried to prevent, but for all the times I got involved.”  
  
“A punishment by whom?” Lavi asks silently and Yuu shakes his head slowly.  
  
“The universe? I don’t know. Don’t tell me you didn’t think the same before. Lavi, do you know another family with such a bad luck?” Yuu stares at him and Lavi stays silent, because he doesn’t know what to say, and even more important, yes, he did. Sometimes at night while lying wide awake next to Yuu, who can often only sleep because of his exhaustion.  
  
“You couldn’t know and you didn’t ask for that. It’s not your fault,” Lavi answers firmly and steps closer to lay his hands on his shoulders. “Yuu, it’s not your fault.”  
  
He doesn’t believe him. Lavi presses his shoulders and wants to step closer, but it’s another absence. It’s short, but terrible, as he can see in Yuu’s pale face.  
  
“Lavi,” he whispers, barely audible. “I’m so tired.”  
  
He wraps his arms around Yuu and his hands move frantically over his back, while he struggles for words.

 

It gets worse. The absences are more frequent, at least two per day, on a horrible Sunday more than a dozen.  
  
Yuu stops searching for a new job and stays in bed for days, while Lavi goes to work, university, does the household and takes care of everything else.  
  
The world on Yuu’s shoulders gets too heavy and Lavi knows that it’s going to crush him and has no idea what to do.

 

Sometimes Marie and Miranda pay them a visit and bring Johanna along. She’s a ray of sunshine in dark times and Lavi loves her. He sits for hours on the floor and plays with her, while her parents and Yuu watch and sometimes, sometimes his dark eyes are a little brighter afterwards.

 

A natural disaster on the other side of the globe. Thousands of people die over the extent of a few days and Lavi doesn’t leave the apartment once, because Yuu is drowning. He can’t sleep, eat, rest. The absences keep coming and coming, one after another, and Lavi holds his hand, dabs his face with a wet cloth, hands him glasses of water and loses him with each absence a little more.  
  
Yuu’s eyes often set on something only he can see and Lavi knows that he’s at the end of his tether, when he does something he has barely ever done before: he starts to talk about them. They lay next to each other on the bed in the dark bedroom, because Yuu has a headache that gets worse in the light, and he talks, until Lavi has to leave the room, because he’s going to throw up. After that Yuu stays silent, even though Lavi asks him repeatedly to leave it out, but he doesn’t.

 

Yuu keeps losing weight and Lavi has to get him new clothes, because he’s too exhausted to go out. His hipbones are prominent and Lavi feels his ribs, when he touches him.  
  
He’s worried and Yuu feels it and sometimes he apologizes, but Lavi doesn’t want to hear it.

 

Yuu is desperate enough to try another medication and afterwards another, which works. The respite is short, only a few days, but Yuu’s steps are a little lighter.  
  
Lenalee and Allen pay them a visit. Yuu doesn’t really engage in the conversation, but he listens and his hand lies the whole time on Lavi’s knee. He goes out to get some snacks, even Yuu wants some trail mix, and when he comes back home there stands an ambulance in front of their apartment building and he knows that the respite is over.  
  
Yuu is still convulsing when they bring him down and this time Lavi isn’t allowed to accompany him. Allen drives him and Lenalee to the hospital and he calls Marie and can’t stop crying.

 

Yuu leaves against medical advice as soon as possible. He doesn’t tell Lavi what he has seen, but his hands won’t stop trembling and he doesn’t sleep for three days. Lavi loses his job, because he missed so many days, and has to ask his great-great-uncle for money to pay the rent.

 

Sometimes he thinks about leaving, but then Yuu looks at him, dark eyes so soft, and his cold fingers start to play with Lavi’s hair.  
His heart blossoms and aches at the same time.

 

One day Lavi finally snaps and screams into a pillow, until he loses his voice and nearly faints, because it’s so incredibly unfair. They’re young and in love and Yuu never asked for all this and Lavi can’t live without him, but at the same time he can’t live with him.

 

Marie and Miranda offer to pay their rent and Yuu and Lavi feel both terrible, but they have to accept, because their landlord starts to lose his patience.  
  
They don’t know what is going on, but they start to visit more often. They leave Johanna most of the time home with her grandfather, because Yuu is permanently on edge and can’t bear her shrill and cheerful voice.  
  
Lavi knows that he feels bad for it and so he spends his nights whispering into his ear and Yuu allows him to hold him.

 

It’s another absence and Lavi knows that it’s one of the bad ones. He sees it in Yuu’s wide eyes, in his damp hair, in the hard line of his mouth.  
  
Yuu barely makes it to the toilet, before he has to throw up and Lavi holds his hair.  
  
Afterwards they lie in bed and Lavi curls himself around Yuu’s stiff body.  
  
“Who is it?” he asks and isn’t surprised, when Yuu doesn’t answer. Instead he hides his face in the crook of Lavi’s neck.

 

Yuu is unusually affectionate in the following days. His hands are the whole time on Lavi, on his waist, his hip, his neck. So is his mouth, on Lavi’s lips, forehead, wrists.  
  
Lavi enjoys his attention, until a suspicion forms in his mind. His mouth gets dry, his hands cold, his voice thin.  
  
“Is it me?” he asks at night while lying in Yuu’s arms, who stirs a little and pulls him close.  
  
“No,” he answers and his voice is so calm that Lavi beliefs him. He doesn’t ask again.

 

Yuu has more energy than before. He lays less in bed and starts to take care of the household more often. Sometimes he even cooks, always Lavi’s favourite meals.  
  
On a rainy Sunday they sleep with each other for the first time in months and it’s soft and tender. Lavi starts to hope that everything is going to be alright.

 

It’s Froi, Lavi is sure.  
  
Yuu starts to visit his father more often and tries to atone for his behaviour in the last years. Froi is still grieving, but the visits of his youngest son lighten his days and often he even smiles.

 

Yuu has one of his good days. He’s serene, his hands are warm and he has only two absences.  
  
Lavi plans to go to a concert with Lenalee a few days later and he even offers to tag along.  
  
Lavi’s delighted.

 

They make love in the night before the concert.  
  
“Since when are you so hot-blooded?” Lavi asks, because Yuu’s hands keep wandering. He’s giggling, because Yuu’s lips touch the most ticklish part of his neck.  
  
“I don’t know,” he answers and gently bites his ear. Lavi’s laugh ceases and he curls his toes. “Maybe there’s something in the wind.”  
  
“Yeah, maybe,” Lavi whispers and he’s so in love and happy for the first time in months.

 

He doesn’t pay a lot of attention to the concert. They stand in the crowd and Yuu’s right behind him and his hands on Lavi’s hips.  
  
“Hot-blooded,” he mouths over his shoulder and Yuu rolls his eyes like in their school days, before the first punishment in form of a sinus-arrest.  
  
“No, just in love,” he answers into Lavi’s ear. “Very much.”  
  
Lavi laughs silently and a blush spreads out over his cheeks and down his neck. Lenalee shoots them a look and raises a brow and Lavi keeps laughing.  
  
It’s a nice day and they decide to leave right after the concert, because Yuu looks incredibly tired, even though he tries to not let it show. He also has another absence and excuses himself for a few minutes.  
  
Lavi talked with Lenalee beforehand and she agreed. She doesn’t know what’s going on, since Lavi only told her about the epilepsy and some psychological issues, but she’s an understanding and lovely person and Lavi is so happy that she and Yuu get along really good. He’s less gruff with her and she respects his boundaries.  
  
They’re nearly at the metro station, when Lenalee excuses herself to use the toilet of a restaurant nearby. They wait for her outside, leaning against a bike rack. Yuu’s hand in Lavi’s feels warm and soft and he examines him.  
  
“Did you have fun today?” he asks smilingly and Yuu looks at him with very calm eyes.  
  
“Yeah,” he answers and then he leans closer. His hands close around Lavi’s waist and they kiss. It’s a short and innocent kiss, but that doesn’t stop Lavi’s heart from blooming in his chest. Yuu embraces him tightly and dips his hands into the back pockets of Lavi’s jeans.  
  
“Yuu,” he laughs and looks at him. “In public?”  
  
“Sorry.” His hands wander up over his back and they lock eyes. “I love you very much,” Yuu says silently and Lavi’s breath hitches in his throat, because Yuu doesn’t use these words often, since he’s normally not a very affectionate person.  
  
“I love you, too,” he answers, voice a little tight, and beams at him. “So much.”  
  
“I know,” Yuu answers and he’s so much serener than usual. His hands stroke slowly over Lavi’s back, until they reach his belt. Lavi feels him fumbling for a moment and wants to ask what he’s doing until he hears a silent sound. “I’m sorry, Lavi,” Yuu says softly, gives him a last quick kiss and turns around to leave.  
  
“What? Where are you going?” Lavi wants to follow him, but he can’t. He stuck and when he turns his head, he freezes.  
There’s a cable tie between the bike rack and his belt. A cable tie, like Lavi used a few days ago to sort the mess of cables in their kitchen. He didn’t notice that Yuu took one.  
  
“Yuu?” Lavi’s voice sounds strange in his own ears, strained and bewildered. Yuu keeps walking towards the corner of the block, steps so much lighter than usual and suddenly Lavi understands and his whole body gets ice cold.  
  
Yuu goes finally to Alma’s competition.  
  
“Yuu!” he screams and his panicked fingers fight with his belt buckle. “Yuu!”  
  
Yuu reaches the corner and looks at him for a last time. There’s a smile on his face, full of love and relief. Then he disappears and Lavi rips his belt open. He starts to run, past Lenalee, who looks in surprise at him.  
  
“Yuu!” He runs and out of the corner of his eye he sees a car raging through a red light. Panic pulses through his body and he runs as fast as he can, but he has no chance.  
  
He hears a horrible sound, a body hit by a car, and then after a second screams.

 

Yuu’s stolen life, the last act of his personal tragedy, ends on a crossroad. He lies on his back, bleeding heavily, and a girl crouches down next to him and holds him, while Lavi tries to fight his way through bystanders.  
  
The last thing Yuu sees is a long strand of violet coloured hair sticking to the tears on her cheeks and the bright blue sky.

 

Lavi somehow manages to pull himself together. Tears keep running over his cheeks, but he doesn’t collapse.  
  
He gives a statement to the police. He calls Marie. He waits together with Lenalee on a bench for Allen. He gets in the car and manages to give Allen directions to bypass roadworks. He finds his keys somewhere in the pocket of his hoodie.  
  
His steps get weaker on the stairs and Lenalee and Allen nearly have to carry him upstairs. The last thing he does is to unlock the door and then his knees give out. He lies on the floor of their apartment, his and Yuu’s apartment, and horror nearly suffocates him.  
  
Lenalee and Allen stay the whole night. They help him into bed and then they curl their bodies around him, while he varies between crying, staring numbly and screaming his grief into a pillow.  
  
Yuu is dead.

 

Allen washes his clothes, because there’s blood on them from Lavi’s desperate attempts to shake Yuu awake, to make him alive, to keep him from leaving, and finds a note in the back pocket of his jeans.  
  
He hands it to Lavi and the first thing he sees is Yuu’s messy handwriting.  
  
_I am so sorry, Lavi._  
  
He crumples the paper in his fist and screams and screams and screams.

 

He stays in bed for days. Miranda comes to look after him and sits on the edge of the bed and holds his hand. He finds his voice and asks after Marie and Froi. The former somehow manages to keep going, the latter lies all day in bed just like Lavi.

 

Lenalee and Allen accompany him to the funeral.  
  
The words of the pastor, an old man, rush past Lavi’s ears without reaching him. He sits between Lenalee and Miranda, who both hold his hands. Allen sits behind him and has a hand on his shoulder, the whole time.  
  
Froi leans heavily against Marie, his only living child, and nearly suffocates on the loss of two children.

 

He finally manages to read Yuu’s letter, his farewell.  
  
The words are soft and full of love and apologies for lying to him.  
  
_I am so sorry, Lavi._  
  
_I wish I could stay with you forever._  
  
_Lavi, I’m not going to lie to you. I’m relieved that it’s finally going to be over, but I just wished everything would have been different. That I would have been different._  
  
_I love you so much and I am so sorry that you spent the last years in darkness, just because of me._  
  
The broken mess in Lavi’s chest crumbles even more, beyond repair.  
  
He can’t stop crying.

 

Lavi misses the deadline of his thesis and fails, but he doesn’t care, because Yuu is gone. Gone.

 

On the backside of the letter are a few words, scribbled in hurry.  
  
_White dots on red. A ball. Flowers under shoes. That’s all I can say, unfortunately._  
  
And under that, written in hesitation:  
  
_Your decision._

 

Lenalee and Allen look after him and neglect their own studies.

 

Marie shows up one day and doesn’t say a word. He just lays his arm around Lavi’s shoulders and together they cry.

 

Lavi leaves his apartment for the first time since the funeral, because Miranda invited him to Johanna’s birthday party.  
  
He doesn’t want to go, because he’s terrified of seeing Froi, who lost two of his three children in the span of a few years, but he still goes.

 

Lavi stays in the garden and watches the children play, because it’s stifling inside. Mourning hangs heavily in the air and he can barely breathe even outside. The birthday girl is still inside with her mother, changing, because of lots of orange juice on her dark blue dress.  
  
Marie sits down next to Lavi and places a warm hand between his shoulder blades.  
  
“Thank you for coming,” he says warmly and Lavi grits his teeth to keep the tears from running over his cheeks, but without success.  
  
“You’re welcome,” he whispers and leans against his shoulder. He casts his eye down and takes the handkerchief Marie hands him. “Thank you.” He wipes his face and blows his nose and nearly misses the ball flying by.  
  
He falters and for a moment everything is so much slower than usual. Johanna, dressed in a dotted dress, white on red, runs through the legs of her mother after her ball, a present from her grandfather. The child is so fast for her age. The ball jumps over the lawn and towards the street and Lavi only need the fraction of a second to make a decision.  
  
He jumps to his feet and starts to run. He takes a short cut through one of the flowerbeds, crushing French daisies and cornflowers under his shoes. Johanna is nearly at the street and the scream of her mother resonates, shrill and panicked.  
  
And Lavi manages to hook a finger under the strap of her dress and hauls her back, not a second to early. A car flies by, the driver staring as his phone.  
  
Lavi loses his balance and lands flat on his back, Johanna on top of him. It’s silent for a moment and then she starts to cry. Miranda flies over the lawn and towards them and wraps her arms around her little girl.  
  
“Oh god.” Her eyes are huge. “Lavi, oh my god.”  
  
Lavi gets up and only nods. The tension only slowly leaves his body and for a second there is nothing other than relief sloshing over him, but it disappears as soon as it has emerged.  
  
Somebody is going to take Johanna’s place.

 

The next half an hour passes in a haze. Everybody sits in the living room, because Miranda doesn’t want any child near the street after that fright. She and Marie talk about a fence for the garden, while Froi sits silently with his granddaughter on his knees and absent-mindedly pats her back.  
  
There’s a photo on the wall, right above the couch. Marie and his younger brothers as children. Lavi can’t bear to look at Yuu’s youthful face, so much more at ease than in the last years.  
  
Finally his phone rings. It’s the number of the senior residence. He has a lump in his throat and can barely say anything.  
  
The call is very short and Miranda is the first one to notice. She sits down next to him and lays a hand on his shoulder.  
  
“Lavi, what is wrong?” she asks gently.  
  
“I made a decision,” he answers through tears and finally he understands Yuu’s anguish in its entirety. Guilt rams its sharp claws in the shattered mess in his chest and he slumps against her shoulder and cries. His last living relative just died, because of his decision.  
  
Johanna slips from her grandfather’s lap and stops in front of him, her brown eyes wide. She opens her arms and Lavi embraces her.  
  
He looks over her shoulder at the photo and Yuu’s dark glinting eyes, before he has to look away. Johanna keeps patting his back, until she suddenly freezes in his arms. He draws back to examine her and her brown eyes look through him. It’s only a few seconds, then she’s back and her eyes wander to the photo of her father and his two brothers.  
  
“Johanna?” he asks, hands ice cold and voice thin. She looks at him and starts to smile.  
  
A moment later the photo falls down.

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to keep working on this fic and add a few more scenes, because the ending felt kinda rushed. But unfortunately I had a really exhausting week and have a cold, so I just gave up.
> 
> This was the angstiest fic I have ever written. I just wanted to write a short one shot about Kanda having visions and Lavi comforting him and then this happened.  
> An alternative title is "Atlas's Place".
> 
> And, most important: never stop taking your meds without talking to your doctor (like Kanda did in this one shot). It's so dangerous. Please don't. 
> 
> See you in one week with part #7 (which is by the way a lot fluffier). It's a dryad au and the main ship is laven and the side ship yulma.  
> Have a nice week!


End file.
